I'd never truly understood the phrase "shaking in their boots" until now. Mostly because I was literally shaking in mine.
I didn't usually get nervous before races. That was the old me. This was now, and my stomach felt like it was about to drop straight through to my ankles.
It felt like I'd blinked, and suddenly divisionals were here.
I'd been practicing with Maple—walking, trotting, and loping a few days a week, careful not to overwork her. Sometimes Luke came with me; sometimes he didn't. I hadn't felt nervous during practice anymore. I'd finally started to feel safe.
During practice, it was easy to remember why I loved barrel racing. It was the only rodeo sport where horsemanship wasn't explicitly judged—it was all about the clock—but you still had to be a damn good rider to pull off a successful run. I liked that being a good rider was so integral to the sport it didn't even need a scorecard. It was one of the things that drew me to the barrels in the first place.
Being here in the arena, surrounded by competitors and familiar faces, was different than practice. The people I loved were here. My dad, my brothers, Luke, Teddy, Hank—even Cam and her fiancé had come so Riley could be here. It felt like my safety net had been yanked out from under me. I didn't know if there was anything more I could have done to prepare for this.
I went through my normal pre-race routine, but the shaking didn't stop. I didn't think I was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack, but this was definitely bordering on panic.
Teddy had to pin my number onto my shirt because my hands were quivering too badly to manage it.
"Emmy. What's up? I've never seen you like this before a race."
There was no point in lying to her now. I'd been lying for so long, and I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to.
"This is my first race since I got thrown in June. That's why I came home. That's why I was so mopey and closed off, and why I can't stop shaking right now." The words tumbled out before I could filter them.
Teddy blinked slowly. I braced myself for a reprimand for keeping everything from her. I should have told her. She was my best friend. I should have told everyone.
Instead, she said, "I'm sorry you've been carrying that alone."
I didn't know how to respond. I hadn't exactly been carrying it alone. Luke had helped me.
"Teddy, I need you to do something for me."
"Anything, babe."
"Can you get Luke?"
Teddy returned a few minutes later with Luke in tow. He was wearing his usual jeans and boots, but instead of a T-shirt, he'd opted for a button-down and a black cowboy hat.
My cowboy.
He walked into the riders' area, worry etched all over his face. When I saw him, the shaking didn't stop, but it eased. His eyes found mine, and he made a beeline for me, Teddy trailing behind.
When he reached me, he immediately cupped my face in his hands. "What's wrong, sugar? Are you having another panic attack?"
I shook my head. I wasn't. "I just needed you."
"I'm here." He wrapped me in his arms, and I melted into him. He stroked my hair, rubbing his hands over my back and arms. We stayed like that for a while. With every pass of his hands, the shaking lessened until it stopped completely.
He must have felt it too, because he pulled back and rested his hands on my shoulders.
"What's going on inside that beautiful head of yours?" His voice was soft. I think he only used that tone with me.
"Do you think I can do this?" I asked.
"Yes," he responded immediately. "But it doesn't matter if I know you can do it. It only matters if you know it too."
Of course he would choose this moment to get inspirational.
It made me feel better, though. He made me feel better.
"Wow, I'm really looking forward to your TED Talk," I said sarcastically.
Luke flicked my nose. "Smart-ass. But if your sarcasm is back in check, I'm guessing you're feeling a little better?"
"Yeah, I am." I folded into him again. I could stay here forever. I wanted to stay with him forever. "Thank you."
The event coordinator came into the contestant area to give us the ten-minute warning.
"Sugar—" Luke kissed my forehead. "—I am so proud of you."
"I haven't even raced yet," I said against his chest.
He pulled back to look down at me. "You don't need to race for me to be proud of you. You could call this off right now and walk out, and I'd still be proud."
"You would?"
"Yes." He kissed my forehead again. His forehead kisses made me feel like I was floating. There was something so intimate about them. He pulled back again and tucked a finger under my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. "So, are we walking out of here?"
I wanted this.
I wanted to ride.
And I wanted to win.
"No."
"That's my girl." Luke smiled big enough that I saw the wrinkles around his big brown eyes. They were the last thing I saw before he kissed me.
You know in action movies when the hero and heroine kiss right before the battle, and suddenly they're ready to take on aliens or mutated monsters or whatever?
I understood that now.
LUKE
The coordinator called for the barrel racers, and it took everything in me to let Emmy out of my arms. I wanted so many more moments like this with her.
She grabbed her cowboy hat off a table next to us. "Thank you," she said. Then she turned and started walking toward the racer entrance.
And damn, did her ass look good in those jeans.
I watched her until I couldn't see her red shirt anymore. When I tore my eyes away from where I'd last seen her, Teddy was staring at me. I couldn't quite place the look on her face, but I didn't think it was bad. Hopefully.
I'd honestly forgotten she was standing there with us, that she'd just seen us together in a way no one else even knew existed.
"What?" I asked her.
She shook her head slightly, like she was in a daze.
"You're in love with her," she said. It wasn't a question.
"Yeah, I am." I didn't have any reason to lie to Teddy. If she hadn't punched me in the face the day she came into my office to interrogate me, I was pretty sure she wouldn't now.
"Does she know?"
"Not yet."
"You should tell her."
"I will."
"She loves you, too, you know."
The thought terrified me, but it also made me feel like the luckiest man alive. I didn't really know how to be in love, but I knew I wanted to be with Emmy in every way I could. I wanted the kitchen slow dances, nights out taking shots, rides through the mountains, hot sex, afternoon naps, two-lane highways with the windows down.
I wanted it all.
"How do you know that?"
"She asked for you." Teddy shrugged. "Emmy never asks for anything. She just puts her head down and deals with things the only way she knows how, by kicking shit around in her own brain. But she asked for you."