I shake my head. "I don't understand."
He rocks his head back and forth against my shoulder.
"I'm the one who put the jam crate on top of the compass.
I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to touch it.
I knew if I did, that perhaps it would take me away.
I thought if I ignored it, we could go on as we were.
I didn't realize you'd find it, too." His eyes close on an exhale, his jaw tightening.
"Should have thrown the bloody thing into the harbor."
"I think I still would have found it," I whisper.
"Aye, me, too." He twitches his head minutely to the side. Like he's saying no to some voice I can't hear. "I don't want to go."
"Nolan."
His hand reaches for mine. He threads our fingers together as gold sparks begin to dance from his knuckles, landing like kisses over the back of my hand.
"I don't want to go," he says again. "Your magic," I whisper.
He nods. "Aye. It's calling me back."
"Back to where?"
"I don't know."
I stare hard at the compass discarded on the floor, more tears filling my eyes. I've spent so long not thinking about Nolan leaving that I have no idea what to do with myself now that it's happening.
"How much time do we have left?"
Bright blue eyes blink open, his gaze faintly beseeching. "I don't know." He swallows, strain in the lines of his face. "Not long."
I nod and tell myself to be brave. I knew this was going to happen.
It was always going to happen.
But that doesn't make it easier. If anything, I've only made it worse. I've stretched out my heartbreak like a rubber band and now the center of it is vibrating with tension. When it snaps, I'm going to be left in pieces. Just like the gold paper on the floor.
"It's okay," I whisper, a single tear slipping down my cheek. I wipe it away quickly and try to smile. "It'll be okay."
"I don't want to go," he says again, and my chest cracks open, a strange combination of guilt and sadness and affection pouring out. I feel like I'm beneath the waves again, scrambling for the light at the surface.
"No, Nolan. This is good. This is what you've been waiting for." I sniffle. Another tear falls and he shakes his head, reaching out to brush it away. I press my face into his palm. "I'm so happy I get to be with you at the—at the end." I suck in a sharp breath. "This is how it's supposed to be."
"It doesn't feel like it." His eyes flare, another ferocious tug around his body. His magic is a rope, pulling him in the opposite direction of me. "I don't know how to say goodbye to you. I need more time."
I shake my head, smiling sadly. "This is all we have."
"No. No, I need more."
"We can't."
"Harriet," he begs. He guides me to him with the hand on my cheek, pulling me into his body, coiling his arms around me.
He holds me to him fiercely. Like he can ground himself here with me by sheer force of will.
"Harriet, I've never—" He swallows, his entire body rattling under the force of his magic.
"I'll think of you every day. Every moment. It'll be only you."
I close my eyes.
"Please don't say goodbye to me," I whisper, my lips against his cheek, my voice crumbling to pieces.
Another tear chases the first. Then another and another until I'm quietly weeping against his skin.
Nolan's arms squeeze me tighter. His big body shudders against mine.
He's resisting the pull of his magic so hard he's trembling with it, just to stay for another moment.
It makes me love him more. This stubborn, impossible man. "What would you have me do?" he rasps.
I lean back until I can hold his face. I trail my touch over his eyebrows. That thin white scar. The slopes of his cheeks and the strong line of his jaw. I try to get one last good look at him.
I'm going to remember him. I will.
"I want you to kiss me," I manage through my tears. "And tell me you'll see me tomorrow. Just like that first night."
His nose nudges mine. His lips brush the corner of my mouth.
One side and then the other. So, so tender.
"Harriet," he says, his lips moving against mine. "I'll see you tomorrow."
His voice breaks on the last word and I nod, sniffling, pinching my eyes shut.
I don't want to watch him when he goes. The only things I want are his mouth on mine and my body pressed tight to his.
I tip my mouth up and he kisses me, slow and sweet and so damn earnest another sob rattles out of me.
I grip his hair in my fists and hold on until I can't anymore.
Until there's a shower of gold sparks and a pained whisper of my name.
Until I'm sitting on the floor in front of my fireplace by myself. I keep my eyes closed and bring my knees to my chest.
"Don't forget," I say to the empty room, burying my forehead against my knees. I trace his name against the fabric of my pajamas. I chant it, over and over.
Nolan.
Nolan.
You love him. And I think he could have loved you, too.
With a little more time, I think he could have loved you forever.
"Don't forget," I say again. "Please, please. Don't forget."