Chapter Thirty-Four
I ris stood at the back of the audience for the puppet show with the rest of the parents. The kids were all seated on hay bales lined up in front of the makeshift stage. Olive had managed to snag a front-row seat with one of her friends from school, but Iris could still spot her little pigtailed head from back here.
Iris was using the time to lean against a tree in the shade and collect her thoughts while Archer went to get them yet another strawberry-shortcake sample.
This wasn’t so bad, she mused, her eyes scanning the other parents watching over their kids as the kids watched a somewhat creepy rendition of Little Red Riding Hood acted out by marionettes that would for sure haunt her dreams. But she could do this. She could date Archer for real. She could be a bigger part of Olive’s life. Sure, she’d forgotten the quarters, but they’d been right on time for the puppet show.
Isabel caught her eye from the other side of the crowd and mimed how horrified she was by the show. Iris laughed and nodded in agreement.
Look at her, just being a regular mom-type person out here in the world. She liked Olive. She more than liked her dad. And it was totally fine. She was totally managing it. She was?—
Wait a minute.
The show had ended with the gruesome axing of the wolf and now all the kids were up and moving and the parents were in her line of sight and she could no longer see Olive, and where the hell was that kid?
Her thoughts became more frantic as she moved through the crowd toward where Olive had been sitting just a moment before. She had been right here! But now the hay bale was empty and her friend was nowhere to be seen and the audience had thinned and Iris still couldn’t find her. Where was she?
‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,’ Iris cursed as she circled the stage. Olive wasn’t here.
She had LOST Olive!
‘No, no, no, no…’ This was not possible. Everything had been going fine. It had been going great. She was handling this. She’d become good at it. Hadn’t she? Hadn’t she bonded with Olive? Hadn’t she learned what she liked to eat and what made her laugh? Hadn’t she figured her out?
This could not be happening.
‘Iris?’
Archer stood next to her, hands filled with strawberry-flavored treats, his brows drawn together, staring at her. Staring at her and wondering where the hell his kid was.
His kid that she had lost.
Oh God.
She was going to puke.
‘Iris, what’s going on? Where’s Olive?’ Archer’s stern voice broke through her panic.
‘She … I … she was right here and now…’
‘And now?’ Archer’s voice rose, his panic matching her own.
‘And now … I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know?’
‘I—’
‘Jesus Christ,’ Archer swore, leaving all the snacks behind and striding off across the field, his head swinging back and forth as he searched.
‘Olive!’ he yelled. ‘Olive, where are you?’
Iris hurried along behind, panic and horror and great big sweeping bouts of nausea rolling through her. She’d lost Olive. She’d fucked everything up. And to think, she’d actually believed she could handle this. She’d thought she could have a kid?! She’d thought she could play at what? Being an actual mother to an actual human child?
She had been unqualified from the start and now she’d ruined everything. What if Olive was in danger? What if she’d been kidnapped? What if she’d gotten hurt or fallen down or broken a bone or wandered into the road?
What if…
What if…
What if…
Iris stopped at the nearest trash can to empty the contents of her stomach as one awful scenario after another raced through her head. She had never known terror as acute as this. She had never known worry as debilitating.
This wasn’t a game. This wasn’t a fling.
This was Archer and his real-life daughter, and she’d let them both down so terribly, so completely…
Her whole body was shaking when Kira appeared beside her and wrapped an arm around her to steady her.
‘It’s okay,’ she soothed. ‘Everyone is looking for her, Iris. They’ll find her in no time.’ Kira pressed a kiss to Iris’s temple and Iris clung to her friend.
‘What if they don’t… What if…’
‘Hush,’ Kira commanded, taking charge. ‘They will find her. She’s only been gone a minute, Iris, and the whole damn town is here. They will find her, and she’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.’ She said it with such certainty that Iris was forced to believe her, but she held tight to Kira’s hand as they walked the festival calling Olive’s name.
When Logan’s tractor pulled into view with Olive on the seat beside him, grinning from ear to ear, Iris didn’t know if she wanted to hug her or strangle her.
She ran to the tractor, leaving Kira behind. Archer beat her to it though, already lifting Olive from her seat, already scolding and crying and hugging her all at once.
‘Never do that again,’ he said, pulling back from his hug to look her in the eye. ‘Never again, do you hear me?’
Olive nodded, her smile long gone. She took Archer’s face between her small hands. ‘Sorry, Dad. I just wanted to pick some fresh strawberries in the field.’
Archer glanced up at Logan.
‘I found her wandering around the back of the farmhouse, happy as a clam, picking strawberries from my grandfather’s personal garden.’ Logan had a bemused smile on his face but Archer was clearly not ready to join him in that.
‘Thanks, man. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry she got away from us.’
Not us . Away from her . It had been her fault, and Iris couldn’t do anything but hover in the background as relief and regret swirled through her. All she could do was watch as Archer scooped up his daughter and smothered her in kisses and told her over and over again to never wander off like that again and that she’d scared him and that he loved her. And the longing to be a part of that hug was so sharp and so strong it nearly brought her to her knees.
But it was a different realization that forced her to sit. A realization that struck her so hard it felt like her entire world had flipped upside down. Iris didn’t have a stomach bug. Of course she didn’t. Olive wasn’t even sick. And a stomach bug didn’t make you want to throw up only in the morning. And it didn’t make your boobs hurt. And it didn’t make you weirdly emotional. And a stomach bug didn’t make you skip your period.
Iris was an idiot.
And she was pregnant.
Iris was pregnant and she’d just proven to herself, to the entire town, and most importantly, to Archer that she was completely ill-equipped to be a mother.
* * *
After an incredibly tense car ride home, followed by a tense dinner, and several stern talking-to’s Olive was tucked safely in her bed, although Archer knew he would probably sleep outside her room tonight. And possibly for the rest of her life.
God, he’d never been so afraid in his life as he had been today. The idea that Olive had just disappeared still sent waves of icy terror through his body. For someone that had only been in his life for a few months, she’d made a permanent mark, and now he couldn’t possibly imagine his life without her.
And that went for someone else in this house, too. Someone who hadn’t spoken more than two words since they’d returned home, since she’d apologized profusely, tears streaming down her beautiful face. Iris had retreated to her room when they got home, and he hadn’t seen her since.
He knocked softly on her door.
‘Come in.’
‘Iris, I—’ he stopped mid-sentence, taking in the scene in Iris’s room. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Packing.’ She didn’t look up from where she was pulling clothes from her dresser drawers and tossing them onto the bed.
‘Packing? Why are you packing?’
She didn’t stop. More clothes made it to the pile on the bed. What the hell was going on? A panic similar to the one he’d felt when Olive was lost shot through his chest. Impending doom.
‘Iris, look at me. Why are you packing?’
She stopped, her gaze rising to his. Tears glimmered in her eyes. The panic swelled.
‘I’m tendering my resignation.’
Fuck, no.
‘What are you talking about? No, you’re not.’
She huffed, tossing a sweater onto the pile. ‘I am. I quit.’
Terror, sharp and hot sliced through his gut. ‘No,’ he said, again like he was a fucking child. But she couldn’t quit. ‘Olive needs you.’
I need you.
Iris let out a noise somewhere between a laugh and a cry. ‘I lost her, Archer. Do you know what could have happened to her today? Do you know how many ways that could have gone so much worse? And it was my fault! I wasn’t watching her close enough. I wasn’t paying attention.’
She was fully crying now, great big sobs and sniffles and he couldn’t stand it. He stepped closer, reaching out to touch her but she backed away, kept the distance between them and he hated that, too.
‘Iris, listen, it wasn’t your fault. She does this, remember? She wanders off. She’s done it to me plenty of times. Right out of my own house. It’s not your fault.’
‘It is my fault. And it’s going to reflect poorly on you, Archer. How will this look in court? I jeopardized your whole case for custody. I messed up everything.’
She shook her head, her fiery hair wild around her shoulders. Her skin was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. What was going on with her? What had he missed?
How had he fucked this up so thoroughly?
He stepped closer again and this time she let him touch her, let him brush the hair from her wet face, let him tip her chin up so she had to look at him.
‘I’m sorry, Iris. I’m sorry if I made you feel like it was your fault today. I was just scared. I’m sorry I hadn’t noticed that you were sick. Maybe you just need some time off.’
‘I’m not sick,’ she whispered.
‘Okay, okay, sweetheart, then whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. The court will see how well we’ve taken care of Olive. She’s thriving because of you. You don’t need to leave. This was just a bad day.’
Her lips tipped into a sad smile. ‘No, Archer. This wasn’t just a bad day. I never should have had this job in the first place and we both know it. I have no qualifications to be a nanny.’
‘Fuck qualifications. Olive loves you. I love you. I don’t want you to be her nanny anymore anyway, Iris. I want to be with you. I want you to live here for real. I want my bedroom to be our bedroom. I want you in Olive’s life. In my life. Okay? You’re fired, Iris.’
She was crying again, and he wiped the tears from her cheeks, pressing his forehead against hers.
‘Please, sweetheart. Don’t cry.’
‘I can’t?—’
‘Just sleep on it, okay?’ He cut her off. He couldn’t bear to hear what she couldn’t do. ‘Don’t make a decision today. Too much has happened.’
She nodded, her head moving slightly against his. ‘Okay,’ she whispered, and that one little word sent such relief through his body he nearly sagged to the floor.
‘Okay,’ he echoed, kissing her head and stepping back. ‘We’ll talk more tomorrow. Just get some sleep.’
He wanted to stay. He wanted to wrap himself around her and take her to bed, to keep her there, but she clearly didn’t want him to. Her arms were wrapped around her middle, her eyes dark and sad. He would give her space to think. By morning she would see, she would see that this was just a bad day, that it wasn’t her fault, that everything worked out fine in the end.
She would see that she belonged here.
‘Goodnight, Iris.’
‘Goodnight, Archer.’
He made the mistake of sleeping in his own room instead of keeping watch in the hallway, but it wasn’t Olive missing in the morning. It was Iris.
* * *
She’d left three things on the kitchen counter that Archer found the next morning at 5am. A note for him, a note for Olive, and a box of Bisquick pancake mix.
‘But where is she?’ Olive asked for the twelfth time.
Archer wanted to scream.
‘At her cousin’s house,’ he answered calmly, for the twelfth time.
Olive scrunched her nose. ‘Do I have any cousins?’
‘No.’
‘But why is Iris at her cousin’s house? Is she coming back?’
‘Because she needs a break, and I don’t know.’
‘A break from what?’
Us.
‘A break from being a nanny.’
Olive’s frown deepened. She looked back down at the note Iris had left. It was more of a doodle than a note. A stick-figure Iris and a stick-figure Olive were holding hands in the picture with a rainbow over them. Iris had written:
Dear Olive, I really loved being your nanny, but my cousin needs my help for a little while. Take good care of your dad. All my love, Iris.
Honestly, it was better than the note she’d left him, which just said: I’m so sorry for everything. At the bottom, she’d included the name and number of a replacement nanny and a suggestion to try Bisquick. And that was fucking it. No ‘ all my love ’, no explanation, no promise to come back. Was she quitting as his nanny or breaking up with him? Both, apparently.
He glared at the box of pancake mix.
‘Are you going to take a break from being my dad?’ Olive asked, and his heart, the heart that was barely holding on after yesterday and this morning, officially tore in two.
‘No, Livie, I’m never going to take a break from being your dad.’ That thought would have sent him into a state of despair just a few months ago but now it just felt true. Olive was his forever. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.
She smiled at him. ‘Okay, good.’
‘And your mom, even though she’s not here anymore, she’s always your mom. Forever.’
‘Okay, that’s good, too.’
‘Yeah, it is. Maybe we can finish that garden you and Iris started and put something special for your mom there. Something to attract hummingbirds, maybe.’
‘Yes! And maybe we can get a bunny!’
‘Don’t push it, kid.’
Olive pouted. ‘Can I at least have a Pop-Tart for breakfast?’
Archer sighed, thinking about all the ways Iris had imprinted on their lives. She’d been here from the start with Olive. And now it was just the two of them.
‘Sure.’
‘Yay!’ She clapped her hands, her mood immediately improved by the promise of an overly processed breakfast treat. ‘And don’t worry, Dad. I think Iris is going to come back.’
He swallowed hard, not wanting Olive to get hurt anymore than she already had in her short life. ‘I don’t know, Liv. She might not.’
‘But she might.’
‘But she really might not.’
‘Never say never, Dad.’
He looked at her then, her round face and dark eyes so much like Cate’s, but her mouth, her smile, and that dimple were all him. He thought about all the years they had ahead of them, of all the things he still needed to figure out, to learn how to do. There would be birthdays and holidays and skinned knees and broken bones and heartaches and toothaches and trouble at school and trouble with friends and it was a lot. But looking at his daughter’s face, so full of hope, he couldn’t be the one to take that from her.
‘Okay, Olive. I won’t say never.’
She grinned and bit into her Pop-Tart. It all felt heavy and real, but Archer thought maybe he could carry it. Even if he had to carry it alone.