His dad.
He wasn’t the college boy anymore and had come into his own. Landon was a grown man, and he had the responsibilities of one. Menace made sure of it. His mannerisms weren’t even the same anymore.
Landon was a protector for his new family. I thought back to Labor Day and how he slowly walked up the block, his hand on his gun, ready for anything.
His main priority was to protect Navy’s family, and he made sure of that. “Can we talk?”
“I don’t have the ti—”
“Baby, you lying now?” Goo called me out.
I stomped down the hall toward the sunroom, and Landon followed behind me. We’ve had arguments in the past, but we were always able to get over them quickly. This time, we both stayed away and I blocked him out.
“I would have been the first person you called when you found out about our grandmother.” he started, leaning on the window.
“You mean my mother?”
“Zoya, I wanted to tell you.”
I turned around. “Then why didn’t you tell me? I expect that shit from Menace and Kora, but you… we never keep things from each other.”
He looked down at his designer loafers. “I’m heading to Hong Kong, and I refused to leave without talking to you.”
Staring into his eyes, I could see he felt guilty for keeping this from me. Knowing the truth about my life and never telling me.
It wasn’t fair, and they didn’t get to withhold pieces of me, and then decide when to tell me.
“Answer the question.”
“Because I couldn’t bring myself to break your heart. I know you, Zoy. You would have started being different. I don’t give a fuck how it happened, you my sister… always been my sister.”
“I’m your aunt.”
He paced the small area. “This is why we didn’t want to tell you. Ever since we were younger, you always asked questions of you being different than us. I never paid it attention because you were dramatic as fuck, Zoya.”
“Not dramatic.”
“You are and none of us give a fuck because that’s what makes you Zoya.”
I folded my arms. “I am not dramatic.”
“Put it on Roxie,” he challenged.
I focused my attention out the window. “I really don’t feel like swearing on dead dogs today.”
Landon laughed. “I missed you, bro. Who am I going to send stupid videos to, or call when I’m bored?”
“You are hardly bored anymore… you too busy.”
“Never too busy to talk to my sister. I care, Z… I never want something to happen to you. My approach was fucked up, and I apologize. Just been worried about you.”
I messed with my nails and faced my brother. “I wouldn’t have kept that away from you… no matter who I pissed off, I would have told you.”
“I can’t even say nothing personal because this shit is very personal. If I could go back, I would have told you. Not giving a fuck about what Kora and Menace told me.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
Recommendation: Listen to Crooked Smile by J. Cole ft TLC
He opened the sunroom door and was staring at something. “You see that? The fuck?” He continued to squint, and I rushed over to see what he saw.
He pulled me into a bear hug and pulled me outside in the pouring rain. “Donnnnn!” I screamed as the rain soaked us instantly.
“Say you love me, and you forgive me,” he demanded, holding me in place, forcing me to say what he wanted.
“I refuse!” I screamed, the edge control burning my eyes as it slid down my face.
“Say it, Zoya Bean!” He teased me while tickling me.
“I love you and forgive you… damn!”
I laughed so hard my stomach ached, as he released me and we held hands and jumped around in the rain. It brought me back to the days at our old house. Whenever it rained, we would run to the backyard and jump around, while Angie watched us from the kitchen.
Back then, things were so dark and sad. If I had associated a color to that memory, it would be gray. Felt like we were all moving through this cloud of gray smoke, just trying to get through.
For that small moment in the rain, Landon and I felt joy. We didn’t care about the dirt or anything. All we cared about was the joy that was building up in our chests as we chased each other in the rain.
I held my arms out while spinning around, my head back and eyes closed while my tears mixed in with the rain pelting down on my face.
When I opened my eyes, Menace was standing on the balcony of his bedroom. He was staring directly at me and Landon, as we embraced the rain and the mud that accumulated on our feet.
“That’s how he started fucking with that mud!” Menace yelled from the balcony. “Eating it too.”
“I ain’t never ate mud, bitch!” Landon busted out laughing.
Menace had this look on his face that I don’t think I had ever seen before. It wasn’t his usual scowl.
It was gratitude.
Navy ran out the sunroom and did a cartwheel and joined us in the rain. Goo walked slowly over to me, pulling me into his arms, kissing my face.
He knew I was crying.
“Rinse all that shit away… all the bad feelings, doubt, vibes. A fresh start… a brand new you.” He kissed my lips.
I kissed him back and hugged him.
A brand new me.
Recommendation: Listen to First Time By Teeks
My birthday.
I thought I would have been waking up on an island with my girls either in the same bed, or in the same villa. I was still grateful that I got another today.
Another year.
Every year was a blessing because when the darkness took over your mind with depression, you didn’t know if marking down another birthday was possible. With all that I had going on, I was just thankful that I never allowed the darkness to win.
I couldn’t say I was out of it, but I didn’t allow it to consume me like I used to. I moved forward and pushed the thoughts out of my mind.
Even with me trying to cancel my birthday trip, I was grateful that Goo nor Stevie allowed me to go through with it fully.
Though it was delayed, next week, I would be boarding a jet with my girls and Kobe, turning up on an island.
I needed time with them. Time to wash out everything that was in my head and actually tell them what I was going through.
Capri and Blair checked on me regularly, and I knew they wanted to know what was going on with my life.
I was so used to keeping everything to myself and I realized that these were my girls. My best friends, and like I had been there for every step of their journey, they just wanted to do the same for me.
Bando jumped on the side of the bed, and I rubbed his head, giving him kisses. “Are you saying happy birthday to mommy?”
I didn’t need to worry about waking up early this morning because Goo took him out. He was my personal brand of sleep medication because whenever he was in bed with me, I didn’t need my sleeping pills.
My favorite thing was pulling his arms tightly around me until I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat. Most mornings, he was up and out the bed with Bando first thing. He’d usually let Bando back in my condo and then go to his to pray and eat.
I snatched my robe from the vanity chair and walked into the kitchen while scratching my hair and yawning. Bando’s pitter of his paws was right behind me as we stopped short.
Goon was on his prayer rug, praying.
I signaled for Bando to sit, as I stood in the doorway watching him. The flowers and balloons on the counter with the gift bags weren’t important to me at this moment. It was beautiful witnessing him surrender to Allah.
Pray for those that he loved and be so intentional with his prayer and faith. This wasn’t the first time I witnessed Goo pray. In Barbados, I watched Cappadonna and Alaia pray, Alaia behind him, as he bowed and they prayed together.
When I bypassed Goo’s room, he was in there praying. I never interrupted him, but it was what made me even more attracted to him.
There was peace in this quietness that consumed my condo. Just listening to him pray, as me and Bando watched him, learning more pieces of the man that made Gerald. His forehead rested on the prayer rug as I continued to study him.
I felt so much peace in the beauty of something that I knew nothing about. All I’ve ever heard was how Muslim men were controlling and forced their women to cover up. Then I met Alaia and Cappadonna, and they were the complete opposite.
Alaia ran that house and Capp was exactly where he wanted to be. She didn’t cover her body because her husband was insecure, she covered it because she wanted to reserve that for only him.
He turned his head to the right and said something, then turned his head to the left and said the same thing before leaning up and sitting on his prayer mat. “Good morning, Boobie.”
I smiled and walked over toward him, careful not to step on his mat. “Good morning, Goo… how did you sleep?”
He pulled me down onto his lap and kissed me. “Happy birthday, Baby Cakes.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, feeling incredibly grateful for him.
This was the first birthday that I woke up in my own bed and not in another country. Every year, I booked a trip out the country because it was a distraction. A distraction from being alone, even while I was in a relationship.
“Tell me what you feeling right now,” he asked, as he held me tightly.
I sniffled while messing with the neck of his shirt. “I know we’re really young and have our entire life ahead of us… I’m getting a full ride to Temple universi—”
“Zoya, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I think I might be pregnant, Gerald.”
He didn’t say anything, but his smile told me everything that he didn’t say. I needed to see that because it helped me not be so nervous.
“I said think… not actually pregnant.”
“That’s why you got those pregnancy tests under your kitchen sink?”
I folded my arms. “Why are you snooping under my kitchen sink?”
“Baby, you put Bando’s poop bags under there… the fuck you thought they would blend in with the dishwasher pods.”
I laughed. “I’ve been nervous to take the test because what if I’m doing too much? Maybe my cycle switched or something… you know?”
His hand caressed the side of my thighs as he stared into my eyes. “You love me, right?”
“You know I do.”